I have had Shane on my mind heavy the past few days, which sometimes happens. Certain things will trigger me to thinking about him deeply. He is on my heart daily. Every day I remember him in something I see or hear. But, there are times, that I literally cannot get him off my mind. I think it was because his passing can be considered so tragic. He wasn't an old man who had grandkids he watched grow. He wasn't even halfway through his life yet. He hadn't done all the things he wanted. He suffered needlessly. So it is hard.
Back when he first passed, I was not in a good place with it. I was angry. I was hurt. And, mostly, I was lost. I had accepted Christ, and in that previous year, my walk had gotten so strong. Then, Shane left. I felt like the rug slipped right out from under me. I would scream and cry and rage. Zach would watch and not say anything. He knew I didn't need anything. I needed to be angry for a bit. He later admitted that it worried him. He thought I was angry with God.
A year, 6 months, 21 days, and 18 hours later.... I can say it wasn't the Lord I was mad with. Here is where this gets to be a heavy hitter, and if you are not a Christian, please bear with me and ask me questions if I make NO sense.
I was ANGRY with the world. I was MAD at sin. I was LIVID with how far we had fallen from God's original purpose. He never intended this. He never wanted this. Cancer, sickness, struggle, aches, hurts, loss.... None of it comes from Him. In His perfect world, He created us for something more. I was reminded of this in reading through Lazarus being raised by Jesus. Jesus knew Lazarus was dead. He also knew He would raise him. And, yet, He saw Lazarus family mourning him, He wept. It is literally the shortest verse in the bible. Jesus wept (John 11:35). Why would He weep if He knew his passing was temporary?
Because this was not His way. It was uncalled for. It was unnecessary. It wasn't of Him.
So, when unbelievers choose to mock my faith in Christ and say things like "If God was real, why didn't He save your brother? Why did he suffer?" I am reminded of the worlds sin. And, my sin. I did not cause cancer, obviously. I understand that clearly. I also understand the sacrifice Jesus himself made because of sin.
My brother was a Christian and I rejoice daily in that. I KNOW where he is. I KNOW we will meet again. O, glorious day.
